Zalgo's Apartment Rage (Wednesday)
by LadyTwat
Summary: Lord Zalgo is homeless and until his palace is rebuilt, he stays with the Creepypastas at an apartment block. Unfortunately for him, he has the nosiest neighbours.


**To the guest from Taiwan (I think?): **_**Thank you**_** for the beautiful and uplifting compliment on Zalgo's Road Rage!**

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The Lord stared at the paper shredder, totally wrecking the list of crappypastas. He'd been staring at it for the last 5 minutes, his arm was practically a crane- pick up package, move, drop off at shredder. He sighed as his chin rested in his palm and dazed endlessly at the wall. He heard the sound of footsteps stomping against the ground- he thought he made it clear no running in his palace! What was this, a childcare centre? It felt like it, he was surrounded by children that he calls creepypastas. He heard more footsteps, then screaming and his head shot up and glared at the door.

He sniffed the air...odd. Was something burning? At that moment Jeeves tore open the door. "My Lord, your palace is on fire!" He panted, black smoke filled up the corridor behind him.

Zalgo let out a womanly scream. "Quickly Jeeves, follow me!" He sprinted to the other side of the room, punched in a code in the keypad and revealed a tunnel slide. He shoved a pillow in Jeeves' hands, shoved him down the slide and followed soon after. Their bodies followed the twists and turns, nearly forgetting there was a fire. They appeared near the palace's doors where other pastas of the Underrealm had gathered and gawked like a bunch of droolies. Zalgo's face dropped as the flames engulfed the palace. "Jeeves...what...wha-..." He could barely force the words out of his mouth.

"From what I gathered, my Lord, it appeared someone left the kitchen unattended and eventually it set on fire. It must've spread pretty quickly."

"Who was on duty?!" He snapped. He would not tolerate disobedience!

Jeeves scanned the clipboard. "I..can't find it, sir." He squeaked.

Zalgo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Well, there's going to be a full investigation. Where am I going to stay?"

"There's an apartment occupied by the creepypastas. You could stay there for a couple of nights at no expense, my Lord."

Zalgo groaned. "Good. For now, you supervise the reconstruction of my palace- you're the only trustworthy person here." Zalgo walked down the stone steps and out of the tall gates.

Jeeves beamed at his comment. "Thank you...sir." He whispered.

Lord Zalgo walked by the car park next to the apartment block in the late evening. He had to take a double glance and stopped all of a sudden when there was a shiny Lamborghini parked on its own. He stared at as if he'd been slapped with a chair like in WWE. Which one of the pastas got their hands on that? He shook his head and hopped over the small iron gate. He was about to open the set of double doors before his eyes caught a piece of paper stuck on the door.

_Fill out the acronym! :)_

_L is for the way you look at me – _Masky

_O is for the only one I see – _Eyeless Jack

_V is very,very extraordinary – _Splendorman ;)

_Egg_ – Zalgo

He smiled, proud of himself, and entered the foyer. Slenderman was behind the desk and looked up- a wave of surprise rushed over him. "Oh my Lawd, we weren't expecting you..." He said with worry. His finger got ready to push the big red button, underneath the desk, labelled 'Self-Destruct.'

Zalgo grumbled. "Neither was I. My palace had burned down and is currently being reconstructed. I'll be staying here for a couple of days." He folded his arms.

Slender paled and twiddled his thumbs. "Of course, erm...you're room will be number 13."

Zalgo's eyes narrowed, snatched the key, and stomped upstairs. He sighed and opened the door to his room. Well...beggars can't be choosers. He leaped into bed like in the Sims and his head sunk into his pillow. He drifted off into a well earned slumber.

His eyes peaked open and dazed at the balcony to his left- it was still dark out. The clock read '03:54.' He grumbled and attempted to drift back to sleep.

_Creak_

He shifted and turned over.

_Creak creak_

He sighed heavily.

_Creak creak creak_

What the hell was going on up there?

_Creak creak creak creak_

It was as loud as a church bell.

_Oh, oh Offendy creak creak creak creak_

Zalgo glared at the ceiling, his expression melted into a deep scowl.

_Creak creak creak creak oh, oh Offendy creak creak creak creak_

What was Offenderman doing making some god-awful rap beat at four in the morning?! Zalgo buried his head under the pillow while Offender continued with his annoying mixtape.

It was barely the ass crack of dawn and Zalgo still couldn't get to sleep. Offender had at least settled down. Zalgo dragged himself out of bed and staggered to the balcony like a drunk zombie that was also as high as America's debt. From there, he had a clear view of the car park. His eyes shot open when he saw Slenderman near the Lamborghini. Slender was looking everywhere like a thief as he seemed to be picking the lock.

He opened the door, put on his shades and a blonde wig. He got in with the window down, and his arm out, before the engine roared and drove away at high speed like some common douche.

Zalgo blinked and couldn't help but feel Slender wouldn't be back soon. He left his room and went into the empty kitchen, prepared his coffee and pondered on why potatoes couldn't talk. Eventually the other residents slumped into the kitchen and each prepared their own breakfast. Ben ate pixelated eggs and bacon, Eyeless Jack ate kidneys, Bob and Rake chewed on a human leg like a dog with a bone, Trender had one fit for a 5-star restaurant, Splendor and Laughing Jack had sweets and treats, Jeff and Jane didn't eat at all and threw food at each other, Slender's three proxies had cereal and Offender said he 'ate' last night. Then Splendor lectured him on how breakfast was the most important meal of the day- Offender yawned in reply.

Offender was still half-asleep and completely wrecked as the sweet scent of coffee filled his senses, he managed to blurt out, "Hate it when people call their grandparents like salami or bread."

Ben stared at him. "I'm telling Grandpappy Salami you were talking shit."

The table chuckled.

Offender shook his head with disappointment. "Well, tongues are just meat tentacles in your mouth."

The table stared at him. Soon enough most of the pastas had disbanded expect for Zalgo, Ben and the three proxies. Ben grinned devilishly. "Hey boys,how'd you feel 'bout teaching Offender a lesson?"

Masky,Hoodie and Toby nodded with excitement. They all looked at Zalgo. "No. I'm not into these pitiful and childish games."

"Ah, but what if I were to offer you money?"

Zalgo eyed him. "How much we talkin'?"

"Oh gee, I don't know say...£200?"

Zalgo had a smile like the Grinch. "Deal."

Ben winked. "Gather round boys, I've got the perfect plan!"

Hoodie adjusted the settings on the camera while Toby waited for Masky to return. On cue Masky ran into their room, out of breath. "He's in place,guys! He's with some girl now."

Hoodie and Toby followed him as they quickly flew down the stairs like swans and peaked their heads out the entrance. They tiptoed to a tree in front of the car park where Offender was in clear view and was making mad love to some woman on the hood of her car. In broad daylight.

The trio giggled. "Okay Hoodie, get a picture." Masky held his tongue.

Hoodie nodded and angled the camera and waited to get the right moment. He pressed the button...and the flash went off. Their smiles dropped as Offender's head and the woman's snapped towards them like in a horror movie. The trio practically shat each other a pair of bricks. "_ABORT, ABORT, MISSION ABORT, RUN_!" Toby screamed and they all ran away as Offender roared and chased after them.

They flew open the doors with Offender hot on their tail and nearly ran on all fours. They passed Splendorman who was holding a mug of hot chocolate, and dropped the mug, which shattered against the ground like glass. His eyes were soiled.

The trio slammed the door and boarded it up and hid somewhere in the room. Offender's banging and screaming soon died down.

Back outside, Zalgo and Ben were sitting up in a tree, not k-i-s-s-i-n-g, but waiting for Offender to come back out. They seen the entire thing and it didn't go exactly to plan. Ben saw Offender march out through the double doors, he tapped Zalgo's shoulder. "Remember, hit 'em in the butt."

Zalgo nodded and readied his slingshot, a heavy stone prepared to fire. He was a couple of seconds too early, fired and hit Offender right in the nuts. Offender cried out and clung onto the twins, fell on his knees and crawled into a foetal position- awaiting for his death.

"Ballseye!" Ben exclaimed and slapped £500 into his palm while they both giggled. Evening came and everyone returned back to the kitchen, their previous quarrels forgotten. Zalgo couldn't help but feel miserable- he did have money but it is foolish to hold tightly to material possessions. One does not own them, they own us. Zalgo slapped himself out of his philosophy mode.

Offender looked around like a fly. "What if you sucked a dick but it sucked back?" He muttered, breathless.

Splendor stood up. "Come on brother, it's time for bed." Splendor dragged him out.

"Did you know that if the grass licked our feet, I'd do the splits?!" Offender screamed and thrashed his legs like he was being dragged to a mental hospital.

Zalgo sighed and shook his head, he pursed his lips when he saw Ben staring at the food he'd barely eaten.

Ben breathed heavily. "You gon' eat that?"

Zalgo shook his head and went out to go to bed. As he reached his room, he could hear someone sing. He went out the balcony and looked up to hear Trender squawking like a vulture, "Baby, you light up my world like nobody el-"

"Gawd, shut up you lil shit!" Zalgo yelled. Ugh. Where is all the _good_ music these days? It's just rapping and Beibers and Directioners. He missed the good old days where he could go to the local tavern and hoist a mighty flagon of mead to a jaunty tune on the lute of a young bard. Zalgo climbed into bed and thought about returning home to his palace- he couldn't wait.

In the early hours of the morning, Zalgo's eyes cracked open with a groan. Offender was making a rap beat again and Ben was screaming curses like a foghorn. In fact, both noise merged into each other and sounded like: "Y-_Offendy_ hoe!" "Your _creak_ should've swallowed you." "I fucking- _Oh,oh_." "Freaking _creak_ balls." "Suck my sweaty _Offendy_!" "I _creak_ this game!" "Fuck- _creak creak creak _fucking, fuck _creak_ me- fuck _oh, oh Offendy_!" "I'm so fucking done _creak creak_\- eh what _creak_ fuck just _happened_?"

Then there was a pterodactyl screech mixed with a shit-ton of creaks. Zalgo threw the covers off, went into the bathroom and ripped off a pipe and kicked down his door. He went to Ben first and rammed into the door like a bull. Ben froze as they stared at each other. The metal pipe slapped against his palm. "Son..."

Ben gulped.

"You're about to get the ass whoopin' of a lifetime." Zalgo raised the pipe above his head and sprinted at Ben whose face looked like he was about to suffer explosive diarrhoea. Ben grabbed the Xbox and ran under Zalgo's legs and down the flight of stairs.

Zalgo snarled and ran up to Offender's room and used the metal pipe to break down the door. He heard a woman scream and the creaking stopped. A grin split Zalgo's crazed face through the wood. "Here's Johnny!" He busted open the door. Offender grabbed his fedora to cover his power drill and leaped out the balcony like a monkey. Zalgo followed him and chased a naked Offender throughout the entire town for the rest of the night. His white,bald butt was the most unsettling sight.

Jeeves grinned proudly at the perfectly rebuilt palace. His Lord would be so pleased! He heard the gates creak open and gasped when he saw an exhausted and frowning Zalgo. Jeeves ran up to him. "My Lord, what happened?!"

Zalgo stared mournfully at him. "Let's just go to sleep, Jeeves. We've earned it." He gestured for him to follow and Zalgo was happy to climb into bed. Before Jeeves walked out, he announced, "Oh Jeeves, don't worry about any chores tomorrow. I'll have someone serve you breakfast and we'll organise a trip to the botanical gardens."

"Thank you, sir. And sleep well."

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**I still feel Zalgo's Road Rage was the best and funniest. Ah well.**


End file.
